The Working Mom

Life is seriously kicking my butt right now. There was the pre-vacation work panic, the vacation “I refuse to turn on the computer except to play facebook games”, and now the post vacation work panic. There’s actually posts floating around in my head.

There’s a post about how I skied last week – Sometimes ok, sometimes not ok. Sam crashed into me once and I fell. And cried. I thought about quitting. Then I didn’t and I went back for more punishment on the slopes. Now I want to go back for another lesson now that I have in my mind what I need to improve on (aside from steering clear away from Sam when he skis!!) FYI – he’s a bit of a daredevil – skiing backwards, through woods, etc. My daughter too. Oy.

There’s a post about some cool iPhone apps. That one I will definitely be making.

There’s another post about some cool products I have – I even have a giveaway to uhm… give away. Yeah. Words aren’t working for me at the moment.

There’s a post about how work is great, I’m not even advertising, but still people are finding me. In fact I think I may have too much work on my plate. (Maybe I need to charge more?? Or will that scare too many people away? LOL)

There’s a post about how despite all the exercising and dieting I’m a bit discouraged with my appearance at the moment and am tentatively investigating… something. Surgery? Tummy tuck? Mini tummy tuck? Laser something? I don’t know. Between kids and weight loss, I have… skin. How do you loose skin? It’s not fun, and it’s not really all that fair. (I know, life isn’t fair. I’m nearly 40. Maybe I should give up my dreams of wearing a bikini. I never have – I guess I never will) The cost is kind of prohibitive from what I’ve been able to gather – and really ANY cost seems so vain. The whole thing is so vain. I have a voice in my head that yells at me for even thinking about spending money on something so selfish. The money should either go towards my kids education or retirement. Anyway… I’m still looking.

That’s all there’s time for now. More to come once I dig out…

Why is it that just to take a week off requires several weeks prior of insanity. I’ve easily gone a week without anyone contacting me here and there, or with clients forgetting to get me stuff. But as soon as I say the words “I’m going to be taking a few days off” it’s like I’ve just told them I’ll be gone for several months and they’ll be on their own. My brother and his family are coming into town and he’s rented a townhouse up in the mountains for the week. So this was part of the push for me to learn how to ski this year, because I wanted to to be able to ski with everyone.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing. The Pre-vacation Panic. It sounds like it should be some kind of line-dance. I’ll bet it looks alot like people running around and bumping into each other and getting knocked out. At least, that’s what I’ve felt like I’ve done at the end of each day.

Sam’s been gone for over 10 days now on a business trip. The schedule we have now, though, demands that I need help. However, we have, once again, lost another babysitter. (long drama-ridden story! OY!) So, I had to go it completely alone while he was away. In some cases that meant literally needing to be in two places at once, with those two places being a good 40 minutes apart. That was not a good day, let me tell you!

I’ve said it before (on my old, archived blog) and I’ll say it again. You single moms – I don’t know how you guys do this without help. You must be super-woman or something, because I am counting down the minutes until I can catch a break!

But in the end, I survived. I managed to to be in those two places 40 minutes apart – nearly at the same time. Even when the universe kept throwing even more unexpected obstacles in my way. I did it. And even though the house is thoroughly trashed at this moment (and I have 0 interest in picking any of it up), I am much less stressed than I was at the start of this adventure. (Maybe it’s the knowledge that the worst is behind me!! LOL! Who knows!)

We’re in the middle of getting the closet worked on – so my week included having an electrician come and rewire the cable we found that was stapled to the wall of the closet (that was apparently the only source of DSL for the office), and then a painter coming in to strip all the existing hardware out of the closet, including the baseboards, then clean it up and paint it. Zach’s day care was closed on monday, so I couldn’t work that day, then on Tuesday my email died thanks to Postini. My clients contact me via email for projects they want me to work on, so nothing came in until late that evening – and then it came flooding in – so I was desperately trying to play catch up the rest of the week.

Yeah… it’s been fun.

In any case, life returns to normal come monday. Whatever “normal” is…

Finally tracked down our elusive babysitter so that Sam and I can escape tonight for some alone time. There’s been about a million things I keep meaning to tell him, but someone always interrupts, the phone rings… something happens and I never get to finish my thought. But finally, tonight, there won’t be anyone else to bother us. It will just be him and me. And I can sit across the dinner table from him, peacefully without any interruptions … and completely forget all the things I had meant to tell him throughout the week. =sigh=

Seriously, with mommy brain, how am I supposed remember these things until date night??

What a week it has been. My parents were originally planning on coming out to visit us late next week. Then my mom did something to her shoulder and she was writhing in pain. It was looking like she would have to go in for surgery to repair whatever was going on. That would have sucked on several levels. Obviously anytime you have to go under the knife is just not a fun time. My mom has had shoulder surgery before and I have a recollection of it being months before she was feeling better from it all. On a totally selfish level, it meant I wasn’t going to get to see my mommy!! We just recently joined a new synagogue (an hour away (ugh) but we’ve, thus far, been really happy with the community there) and for the first time in… possibly ever, I was really looking forward to going to Rosh Hashanah services because my parents would be here and I was going to show them how cool this place was. My birthday is in a few weeks and I was really looking forward to being able to spend that with them. Zachary’s birthday is coming up even sooner, and I was looking forward to having them here for that.
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I was going to pull a late night tonight and try to get a lot of things that have piled up on my todo list out of the way (it’s going to be another crazy hectic week)… but we went to a BBQ today (which was totally fun!) and now I’m totally wiped. It’s only 10:45pm. I don’t see myself staying up past midnight… =sigh= Maybe I’ll be able to squeeze in some work-time tomorrow. This to-do list is never going to be a done-list. :/

There seems to always be discussion about the “mommy wars” – the stay at home mom vs the working mom. I have seen threads where these debates can get pretty downright mean, but to be honest, those virulent conversations I’ve found are the exception, not the norm. The majority of these external conversations I’ve seen are women telling other women to “make the right decision for themselves and their families.” A lot more women understand that everyone and everyone’s family is different. But the sensationalism of a “mommy war” sounds so much more interesting – so that’s what the magazines will try to sell you. This so called “war” still rages, but I think the reality is it takes place within ourselves. It’s hard to be 100% happy in the path we’ve chosen because it’s always easier to look at the greener grass on the other side.

For me personally, I am content in the path I’ve chosen but only now after I’ve given all the other paths a try. I was, at first, a full time working mom. Rachel went to daycare at just 6 weeks old and I returned to work. We did that for a number of years. Then when I got pregnant with Zach, I quit everything and tried being a stay at home mom. As he got older, I started working from home. So now I’m straddling the fence. I work full time from home. This has the best balance for me.

That’s not to say that I don’t still often question if I’m doing it “right”. I think I’m doing it the best way I can. Every path has it’s pros and cons. When I was a full time working mom, I was making more money, I had a steady paycheck, I was advancing my career, I had better health insurance. BUT if my daughter was sick, I had to somehow get myself out of work without getting into trouble to take care of her. I missed being with my daughter and felt like the weekend wasn’t enough time. When I was a stay at home mom, I was with my kids all day, we didn’t have to pay for day care. BUT I felt like I was losing a very important part of who I was, I felt like I needed more mental challenges and I missed the feeling of being able to contribute financially to the stability of my family. What I’m doing now, I can be home if my kids need me, but I’m still getting the mental workout I need. I’m bringing in my own money. BUT there is a downside to this too. I’ve talked before about how this life is every bit as hectic as the full time working mom life. In some ways more hectic. I’ve talked before about how I am walking a fine line next to burning out. Here’s a perfect example: On Thursday, I was cooking a fever of 102, sweating and chills, and I’m sitting in bed on my laptop trying to finish a project for a client because *I* am their resource. And unless I want them to dump me and find someone else, I need to do the work, sick with the flu or not.

I read on someone’s blog about how the blogger was a working mom and absolutely hated it. If you’re in that boat, then you need to step back and evaluate what can you do to make changes to live a life that you can tolerate. It won’t ever be perfect – but if you absolutely hate it, then this does not sound like a decision that is “right for you and your family”. You may not have the option of being a stay at home mom, or it may require changes in your life that you’re not willing to make. But that’s the tradeoff I guess. I was originally a full time working mom because I thought I didn’t have a choice. We lived in a very expensive state, in a very expensive house. (I LOVED that house. It was the house I dreamed of living in my whole life. I still mourn the loss of that house to this day!) But there are always choices. It just might be that you’re not willing to accept the alternative. Yet.

We struggled to get pregnant with my son, and when we finally did, after what we’d been through, I was willing to accept any alternative to avoid going back to work after he was born. Years of trying to get pregnant, only to hand him over to daycare at 6 weeks old? No freaking way! So we gave up living in the expensive state. We gave up the house (=sniff=), we gave up living near family (=BIG SNIFF= this is definitely the hardest part!!) and moved to a less expensive state and a less expensive house so I could stay home. (At least for that first year) The life we’re living now is definitely not perfect. I still worry if 20 years from now, will my kids be in therapy talking about how their horrible mother spent hours on the computer doing web design instead of sitting next to them on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubzy. But I think my working is good for them too. I can see that my daughter is an extremely bright little girl. I want her to see that women can have a family and a career. I want her to go on and do things that challenge her and help her grow, even as an adult. Even as I am working, I am teaching my daughter about being an independent and strong woman. Since I work from home, every day is bring your daughter to work day.

This is just me explaining my life and choices however. I have a number of friends who are stay at home moms or fulltime working moms and who are perfectly happy in that choice. They are teaching their children, just as much as I am, the same lessons. Do what is important to you. Do what will make you happy and what will work with your family. Life is all about choices, trade-offs, compromises. End that war raging in your own mind and be happy.

I got a big pile of work dumped on me last week. I worked over the weekend, including the evenings. I’m kinda freaking out because it’s just a LOT to get done. I don’t have any doubt I’ll be able to do it – just not sure what it’s going to cost me in terms of time and sanity.

Some people say they don’t know how they’d get anything done working from home – that there’s too many distractions. For me it’s the opposite. I have a hard time focusing on anything else when there’s a big to do list on my desk. So instead of taking the night off, I’ll just keep working. Or even if my brain is fried and I really can’t focus any more, I’m still at my computer, attempting to get some of the work done. (Of course, the problem is that there is always more work (a good thing and a bad thing) – so there is always a to-do list. It never really goes away. So I never really just stop stressing about it)

I was supposed to go to the gym last night and do the weights (which is hard to get motivated to do in the first place) but I didn’t go. I did run on Sunday, but the whole time I was running, I was stressing out about the work I could have been doing. This is the slippery slope that got me into trouble the last year – almost right around this same time. I stopped working out, and I stopped my diet – and BAM! 10lbs later… Some people go to workout to help them relax and “let go” of work – and if my to-do list isn’t too long, sure, I can do that too, somewhat. But right now? Working out is incredibly stressful.

Still, every day I don’t workout brings its own stress. Especially given the fact that this past weekend I wasn’t as on target as I could have been. (Yeah, there was that whole bottle of wine incident). So, there’s an Aqua aerobics class tomorrow – no better time to try something new than when I’m super stressed out and feeling very unmotivated to exercise!!

Here’s an example of why taking the “pay cut” to work from home is worth it for me. If this was a day in the corporate world, I’d be getting glares from co-workers and a boss – but instead I can take care of what my highest priority is: my kids.

This morning, as usual, before I could grab breakfast or even a cup of coffee, we raced out of the house so I could get my daughter to her camp, and then I brought my son in for his swim class (this has been extremely important as just a few weeks ago he was terrified of the water. Now he absolutely loves swimming – more on that in another up-coming post), then I drop him off at preschool – no sooner do I get home, make coffee, pour some cereal – before I’ve even had a bite – the phone rings. My daughter isn’t feeling well, I need to come get her. Send emails to clients explaining responses today might be delayed. Back in the car – run and meet the camp at a nearby park – arrange for a visit to the doctor’s office. Get home – try to prioritize what will really need to be completed today – hand off whatever projects I can to other people I work with. It’s now 11am. I have 0 billable hours. And in fact – because we’ll be racing out the door in a few minutes to get to the doctor’s, I don’t expect to have any billable hours until later this afternoon. If I manage to put in 3 hours this afternoon – that will be amazing.

Make no mistake – I am definitely doing two jobs, but only one of them I get paid for. ;P This certainly explains why I’m only getting half the salary I was before.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she was telling me how she wishes she could go back to work. Her daughter is old enough now that it would be nice to get out, be able to make some money to help make ends meet. But of course, most jobs don’t have the kind of flexibility a mom needs. I’m not sure how, but I wish that could change. I know I’m lucky, but I shouldn’t be. Getting this kind of flexibility on the job shouldn’t be so hard. Job sharing, or simple understanding when things come up… It’s a shame these things aren’t more widely available.

What changes need to be made to make it work for both employer and employee?