The presentation I gave at WordCamp Utah went really well. It was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. I prepped as much as humanly possible. I practiced as often as I could. I must have updated my slides several times every day for about a month leading up to the conference. AND I also had anxiety dreams almost every night especially the week before. In my nightmares, everything that could go wrong, did. I’d left my power cord at home. I left my laser pointer somewhere. I lost wifi connection and couldn’t find my presentation. My nose began to bleed spontaneously. I mean literally everything my subconscious could do to undermine my confidence, it fed it into my nightmares.
The irony is that I’m not here to tell you that “… and NONE of it came true… everything was fine!”. Well, everything was fine, but that’s not the end of the story. The truth is that almost everything I dreamed actually came true. I did accidentally leave my computer’s power cord at home. I couldn’t find my laser pointer when I needed it. The wifi did get disconnected from my laptop in the middle of my presentation. Really, if you told me that all of that stuff would really happen, I would have run from the room screaming, called up Joseph Scott and told him to forget it, I couldn’t do it! In the nightmares, when all of these things happened, the world basically ended. My presentation was a complete failure and life ended there. Every night, in the middle of the night, I’d wake up, jot something down on a piece of paper I needed to remember so that I could prevent the catastrophe I had just envisioned.
But despite all these things coming true, life did not end. In fact, nothing happened. Thankfully, my battery lasted long enough to survive the length of my presentation. It did die eventually, but not until about halfway through the day – hours later. The wifi timed out on my laptop and disconnected, but I kept going even though the cool slide remote I had on my iPhone no longer worked. (In my opinion: a design flaw in the app to have it only rely on wifi and not bluetooth!!) The arrow keys work perfectly well to move the slides!! And the laser pointer I realized later I left buried in my purse so I just made do without it.
All the anxiety and thinking the sky would fall if any of these things happened, and even my desperate attempts to prevent them – they happened. When they did, there was a logical solution. And life went on.
I think I know I spend too much time worrying about what could happen. I spend too much time trying to plan for all conceivable contingencies. And the truth of the matter is that, when a problem is real, there is usually a solution at hand as well. I won’t say always. But usually. It certainly isn’t worth the time spent worrying about the “what ifs.”
Seems like everyone is doing okay except me. I’m really not over it. If you ask me anything about him I will spontaneously burst into tears. Sometimes you don’t even need to ask. I was listening to a song and the lyrics were “I forgot to tell you I loved you” – I burst into tears. I told him I was sorry, but I forgot to tell him I loved him. I keep remembering to do things that I don’t need to do anymore. I get up in the morning, and my first thought is “I have to walk the dog”. I go to bed, and I look at the empty spot where his bed used to be. I miss hanging out with him on the couch, and the way he’d curl up by my feet and keep them warm while I worked.
Seriously, 10 years?? Who put life on Fast Forward mode?
Took this photo a few weeks ago at the annual Hot Air Balloon festival they have here. For some reason, the weekend they schedule this event has consistently seen bad weather – either high winds, rain, lightning. And it’s the one week of the summer that’s consistently bad like that. Makes me wonder why they don’t move the date. You’d think they’d see the pattern there…?
