Attention Walmart shoppers: You are not getting bigger, the world is getting smaller!

So I finally got out for my clothes shopping spree. As it turns out, I’m not a size 10…. I’m a size 8. (!!!) My initial reaction was “NO FREAKING WAY!” and then I remembered… I’m being played. Big time. Do you remember hearing about that whole “vanity sizing” thing. Oh, yeah. Bummer! Well, the truth is I have *never* been a size 8. I remember when I was in college, and I went through a starvation diet phase – I managed to get myself down to a size 9. I bought a pair of jeans. Neither the diet or that size lasted very long.

So in the last few years, they’ve changed the size scale. But still – I’m sticking with the fact that the last time I had to buy a pair of jeans (which was in 2005 or 2006) I was buying size 16 jeans. I can’t believe the size scale changed since then (if it did, SHUSH! I don’t want to hear about it!) 😛 There is also the issue that I tried on jeans from Costco, Walmart (Levi brand), Old Navy, and in all cases the size 10 were too big – size 8 fit. So unless they’re all trying to play to my ego, could I have really gotten down to a size 8?? Being that I am still a size 16 in my head – as far as I’m concerned, this is all just a cruel joke the world is playing on me.

I’ll never know the truth. Either way, I have jeans that fit me, they’re not falling off. They’re flattering, and I feel good in them. That’s all that really matters.

Updated: Actually, I may need to bring these jeans back. :/ The stupid sizing is pissing me off. After wearing them for a few hours they feel too loose. I’m not sure if they’ll shrink or not… but with the vanity sizing these companies have done, and with the weight I’ve lost, I’m just totally confused what I should be wearing. I wish they had a simple chart that would tell you what size to buy based on what your measurements are. Screw generic sizes!!

Mental Weight-Loss

Status report: I am currently maintaining my 30+lb weight loss. I am only 4-5lbs from the lowest weight I can be and still be healthy and not be too thin. (I can’t even begin to tell you how weird that is. I can’t wrap my head around that).

In my head I am still fat. Not that I think I am fat. Logically, I know I’ve lost weight and I know I’m at a good, healthy weight now. It’s that I don’t FEEL thin. I think it’s the same thing as it with age. We don’t always FEEL the age we really are. I don’t FEEL 39 years old. I don’t FEEL 30 lbs lighter. How do I lose the weight in my head?

One problem that I know I need to address – my clothes. This is such a huge issue. On one hand, I’m afraid to throw away my fat clothes. What if I get fat again?? On the other hand… OMG. If I get fat again, someone slap me!! So yeah, I’m wearing clothes that are in some cases 3 sizes too big. Even a belt can’t help that much of a difference. Do you have any idea how ridiculous that looks? I had been holding off buying clothes because I wasn’t sure what size I would settle down at. But now, I really can’t lose much more weight. I can tone up some, but even if I do lose those last 4-5 lbs, it shouldn’t affect clothing size too much. At my largest size, I fit into a size 16 (sometimes 16/18) jeans. If I can sneak out of the house today, I’ll be looking for a size 10.

I have to admit, I may hold onto one or two of the larger jeans. Some of them were expensive. I should just throw them all away. I’ll agree to throw most of them away. I can wear a size 12, although they’re really baggy – so I’ll probably hang onto those (but I think I only have one or two pairs). Anything 14 and up has to go. Maybe once my clothes fit me better, I’ll FEEL my size more. I wish I had taken more/better “before” pictures to remind me of how things used to be, because even sometimes looking in the mirror it’s hard for me to see the difference. I know there’s a difference – but aside from the fact that my pants are falling down, I just don’t see it. My brain still sees me 30lbs heavier.

It’s not about failure, it’s how you recover from it

You can’t have success without failure. It’s not just that success wouldn’t taste so sweet – it’s that you wouldn’t know it when you landed on it if you didn’t know what it was like to be somewhere else. It’s good to fail once in a while. Just because you fail once in a while does not make you a failure. (Obama says so! And it’s so true! By the way, I love that speech he gave.) What defines a person is what comes after that failure. How do they recover? Do they shrink and hide away? Do they become the failure? Or do they rise above and conquer it? In conquering this “failure” – the failure ceases to be a “failure”, and instead merely a stepping point. A stone from which to rise above and become better.

So why all this talk of failure? Well… yeah. I was able to maintain my weight for a few weeks. I did a pretty good job at it too – but then work consumed my life and exercise drifted into an afterthought, and then I spent a week eating and eating and eating. While I didn’t really gain a significant amount of weight (maybe 2 lbs?), the “habits” and healthy lifestyle I worked hard to build into my life dropped into oblivion. I’m not ashamed. I saw it happen. I let it happen. I’m not even sure what I learned from the experience. At least at the moment, I’m not sure I see a lesson in all this.

The end result, is that I’m ready to get back on track. I need to get running again. It’s been weeks now. I need to get logging again. It’s been weeks on that too. That lion has his eyes on me… and he’s looking hungry.

Home so soon?

Forget what I said about the diet vacation. UGH. I mean, I know it was labor day weekend and all, but all the food from the BBQ, takeout because we wanted a break from cooking, and I am sick. I’m going to keep trying to get back into the swing of logging what I eat. After eating healthy for a few months, I’m quickly reminded how I used to feel. This feeling of food just sitting like a rock at the bottom of my stomach, even hours and hours later. I used to think this was “normal” because I would feel like this all the time. But now it’s so different. You’re not supposed to feel gross after dinner, or still “full” even the next morning! YUCK.

Diet Vacation (of sorts)

I officially hit 130lbs a few weeks ago. That’s 30lbs down from when I initially started trying to lose weight last year. Half of that I lost since April. I’m definitely hitting a point right now where I’m getting a little tired of logging what I eat. Every meal is becoming a chore because eating healthy takes a lot of time to do. A few weeks ago, we started shooting for having breakfast dinners partially because breakfast tends to be the lowest calorie and healthier meal of the day. It is also pretty quick and easy to whip up a breakfast dinner. Oatmeal. Cereal.

In any case. I’m tired. For the next week or two, I’m still going to try and eat healthy. But if I’m hungry, I’m going to eat. I’ll pick something healthy to snack on, and I’ll try to watch how much of it I have, but I’m going to cut back on how intensely I count every calorie. I’m going to watch my weight very carefully while I do this so it’s not like I’m going to allow myself to balloon up a few pounds. And the instant I see it starting to catch up with me, I will start being more religious about logging every calorie. I’m still going to do the workouts I’ve been doing. Hip Hop Hustle and running (and maybe Zumba – we lost our original instructor for this class, and it’s just not the same without her). But I just need a break.

My guess is that the “break” will be good. When I’m ready to start losing the last 5lbs, I bet it will be easier then if I had tried to push through right now. I think my body needs get used to being this weight. And then I can trick it down to going just a little bit more. We’ll see how it goes.