Control Freak with No Control

A number of years ago, I was stressing about a few particular things going on in my life and a friend of mine gave me this little lecture about trying to focus on the actual things I had control over. He drew a diagram with two circles – one inside the other. The inside circle was me and what I had control over. The outside circle was everything – all the things I was worried about. The area of where the circles overlapped – those represented things I could actually do something about. Anything outside of that were things I had no control over. I think this was taken from a book – discussing “circle of influence / circle of concern”. I of course remember it as “circle of control” because I’m an admitted control freak. So this is what I remember it looking like:

The problem however, is that sometimes in my life, I feel that blue circle in the middle is really really small. And that just about drives me nuts. Makes me depressed. Frustrated. Resentful. Sometimes it seems like what I actually have control over are inconsequential things like – what will we have for dinner. Things that really don’t affect my life on the whole. This is what it feels like right now:

There’s probably disastrous ways to change the shift – but… yeah – they’re disastrous. To shift priorities in my life, I gave up some control of it. It was a choice I made. I don’t regret it. But that doesn’t change the fact that things are not so great right now. I keep trying to dream like I described in my last post but even that has become hard at times. The difficulty is that I need to come up with the idea – and then make other people act on it – as I am not the one in control so I can’t do it myself. THIS is why I am a control freak. Trying to influence people to act on my dream – I’m “nagging” them or “stressing them out”. I just want to move forward.

Why dreaming is important

You have to dream. If you don’t dream you can never learn what it is you want, you can never define your goals. You have to open up your mind to what may seem impossible. You have to be willing to believe that good things can come your way.

The fact of the matter is that most of the time, reality sucks. There’s bills to pay, risks threatening on your every turn. If all you do is focus on reality, you will never move forward. If all you do is focus on the problems that might come up, you will never improve your existence. If you are thrilled with the way things are, then maybe this is okay. Stagnation in itself is not a problem. But if you are not happy, then you have to make change. Life it too short to live it in fear of what might happen, or protecting what you have because you’re afraid to take a risk.

I’m not saying throw caution to the wind and jump off a bridge – but calculated risks need to be taken. I do not believe in a higher power, but that doesn’t stop me from believing that somehow things will work out. Somehow, I’ll find a way to fix the problems that might come up. The reward is worth the risk, and the problems that come up can be dealt with if/when they are a reality.

When you dream, you leave the risks out of the picture, you forget reality, and suddenly you can picture what it is that will make you happy. While you may never acheive that dream to the smallest detail, and things will never be perfect, you need that dream to help define a goal and give you the direction you need to head to.

You also need to continue to dream as you work towards acheiving your goal. By doing so, you allow yourself to adjust your course and fine tune your goal or change directions if you need to. (Sometimes the grass may just seem greener on the other side, and if so, once you start realizing that – change your course).

Because we are human, we are all too aware of the possibility of our own demise. Some completely ignore it – some live in fear of it and by doing so have trouble truly living. There is a happy medium in there somewhere. That is why dreams are so wonderful. Explore the impossible in your dream. Ignore reality just for the moment. You have to know what’s on the other side before you can plot the course to get there.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

Happy Mother’s Day!

R

One of my favorite pictures of all time. This one too:

Oh yeah, this one too 😀

They are the best Mother’s Day gift. 😀 Even though they look different now, a big girl and boy – they’ll always be like this in my mind.

House Music

Growing up, there was always music in the house. Both my brothers played various instruments, but particularly my second oldest brother played piano and particularly well. I played piano for a few years but never came close to being even a fraction as good as he was. But my brother played all the time. If he was home – there was music in the air.

I miss having music in the house. For awhile, Rachel was taking cello lessons, and when she’d practice – there was music in the house again. But this year we’ve had all kinds of issues with her and her grades and I needed to cancel the lessons so she could focus on getting her grades back up. So it is silent again.

When my mother came to visit us recently, she brought with her a new instrument she’s been playing for the last year or so. It’s called a mountain dulcimer. For kicks, I had her teach me a little bit. It’s simpler than playing piano, so simple it reminds me of playing one of the kids toys – but the sound is beautiful. She taught me a few songs and how to read “tablature” – music specifically written for the dulcimer – it’s very easy to follow. Rachel even picked up her cello and played along with my mother and I. (She hasn’t played her cello since we stopped lessons).

So now I’m on a quest to find a dulcimer. I want music in my house again.

Paradox

It’s May now. In my mind, I thought that, come May, I’d be able to start running outside again (I decided running indoors was not my thing this winter). I was looking forward to warm weather, putting away my winter coat at least until the fall. So far, I am extremely disappointed. We had a weekend or two at most in April that vaguely resembled spring – but the rest of the time, it’s been cold sometimes to the point of snowing. Last night we went to dinner up in Park City. It started snowing – which at this point isn’t all that surprising – we’ve been getting snow on and off for the last week. But then it REALLY started coming down. Driving back down the canyon – the snow was coming down so hard we could barely see where we going. All over the road, people had to creep along on the highway so slowly, not because the roads were slick, but because it was like driving through a sheet of white. Basically a blizzard. On the first of May.

I’m so fed up with the weather here that I’m seriously ready to move. Where, I have no idea – but I’m not a fan of the cold. And this is really making me long for some place new.