Being my own cheering section

I think I’m not alone in this, but so often I wonder if I’m doing an ok job with my kids. I guess by the mere fact that it’s a constant concern for me is a good sign. I’m always being critical of myself, always trying to do better… of course the flip side to this is that I’m always being critical of myself… meaning I rarely feel like I’ve succeeded. That’s probably just part of the job of being a parent – you don’t see the final result of your work until you see what kind of adults your kids end up being. And even then it’s not really a final result – because I know I’ve continued to learn and grow even as an adult. But at that point, your work is kind of done. You can’t go back in time and fix mistakes. Not that you’re supposed to be a perfect parent. In fact, I think if your kids see you make some mistakes, it’s not such a bad thing. The lesson you get to teach when you make a mistake is how to deal with it: Tell the truth. Correct the problem. Apologize. Do better next time. Etc.

Anyway, that was a tangent. I felt like I had a success and before I started my regular cycle of parenting-doubt, I wanted to make a note of it. My daughter had her first “real” sleepover last night. (Meaning that it was a friend sleeping over and not just a cousin) I’m not a very good cook, and dinners around here, especially during the week can be kind of scattered – so I was trying to come up with something that would be fun. My plan: make your own pizzas. I got some Boboli pizza crusts, cheese, sauce, and a variety of toppings: sliced olives, pre-cooked chicken, pre-cooked sausage, sliced peppers, pepperoni (I had offered mushrooms too, my favorite, but they were vociferously rejected) and I let the girls invent their own combination. It didn’t take long for them to make the pizzas, but they still had fun doing it. Even Zach got into the act, although for his, I made his pizza and he directed what to put on it (olives and sausage and pepperoni for the kid that usually eats nothing but mac and cheese!!! AMAZING!)

Then later in the evening, despite my fears of a catastrophic mess, we opened up the “Make Your Own Bubble Gum Flavor” kit Rachel got for her birthday from one of her uncles. It was a little messy (especially when you broke out the food coloring) but not nearly as bad as I was expecting. And the kids had an absolute blast doing it. They each made two different types of gum. Her friend even thanked me for letting them do the project saying it was so much fun.

Score 1 point for not-so-perfect-mom!!! 😀

Birthday Extravaganza Day One

Don’t you love how kids birthday’s just seem to drag on for days. First there was the planning of the birthday party (we’re going to Cowabunga Bay for her birthday party this weekend), since that plan was finalized she’s been asking when we can go shopping for party favors (not until the day before the party! Won’t know who’s even going until then!), then there’s the actual birthDAY (today), then there’s the playdate with the friend who wanted to go to the party but couldn’t make it (but still wanted to see her). LOL! For a stretch there, we did a party every year for her (this was easier when we lived near family). But since we moved, it’s more of a challenge since a party means inviting non-family; kids that Rachel’s friends with that I don’t know from families I’ve never met. Add in that her birthday takes place during the summer, I don’t have addresses for any of her friends from school, and of course the school doesn’t give out that information – and birthday parties take on a whole new challenge.

The last two years, we’ve just done a nice dinner out and let her invite a friend to come with us. With more kids in the neighborhood that she’s become friendly with, finally we have a handful of kids we can invite. (No need to worry about addresses with them because Rachel can hand deliver the invitations!)

Maybe because of how much easier it was to do a party when family was nearby, but since we’ve moved I’ve definitely felt like my birthday party throwing abilities are sub-par. I’m thrilled that we can finally do more this year. Even though I know this is not the case, I still worry that she will try to measure how much I love her by how big a deal her birthday is. It’s totally silly and totally unrealistic. Of course no birthday party I could ever throw for her could compare to how much I love her.

On being a working mom (and the real “mommy wars”)

There seems to always be discussion about the “mommy wars” – the stay at home mom vs the working mom. I have seen threads where these debates can get pretty downright mean, but to be honest, those virulent conversations I’ve found are the exception, not the norm. The majority of these external conversations I’ve seen are women telling other women to “make the right decision for themselves and their families.” A lot more women understand that everyone and everyone’s family is different. But the sensationalism of a “mommy war” sounds so much more interesting – so that’s what the magazines will try to sell you. This so called “war” still rages, but I think the reality is it takes place within ourselves. It’s hard to be 100% happy in the path we’ve chosen because it’s always easier to look at the greener grass on the other side.

For me personally, I am content in the path I’ve chosen but only now after I’ve given all the other paths a try. I was, at first, a full time working mom. Rachel went to daycare at just 6 weeks old and I returned to work. We did that for a number of years. Then when I got pregnant with Zach, I quit everything and tried being a stay at home mom. As he got older, I started working from home. So now I’m straddling the fence. I work full time from home. This has the best balance for me.

That’s not to say that I don’t still often question if I’m doing it “right”. I think I’m doing it the best way I can. Every path has it’s pros and cons. When I was a full time working mom, I was making more money, I had a steady paycheck, I was advancing my career, I had better health insurance. BUT if my daughter was sick, I had to somehow get myself out of work without getting into trouble to take care of her. I missed being with my daughter and felt like the weekend wasn’t enough time. When I was a stay at home mom, I was with my kids all day, we didn’t have to pay for day care. BUT I felt like I was losing a very important part of who I was, I felt like I needed more mental challenges and I missed the feeling of being able to contribute financially to the stability of my family. What I’m doing now, I can be home if my kids need me, but I’m still getting the mental workout I need. I’m bringing in my own money. BUT there is a downside to this too. I’ve talked before about how this life is every bit as hectic as the full time working mom life. In some ways more hectic. I’ve talked before about how I am walking a fine line next to burning out. Here’s a perfect example: On Thursday, I was cooking a fever of 102, sweating and chills, and I’m sitting in bed on my laptop trying to finish a project for a client because *I* am their resource. And unless I want them to dump me and find someone else, I need to do the work, sick with the flu or not.

I read on someone’s blog about how the blogger was a working mom and absolutely hated it. If you’re in that boat, then you need to step back and evaluate what can you do to make changes to live a life that you can tolerate. It won’t ever be perfect – but if you absolutely hate it, then this does not sound like a decision that is “right for you and your family”. You may not have the option of being a stay at home mom, or it may require changes in your life that you’re not willing to make. But that’s the tradeoff I guess. I was originally a full time working mom because I thought I didn’t have a choice. We lived in a very expensive state, in a very expensive house. (I LOVED that house. It was the house I dreamed of living in my whole life. I still mourn the loss of that house to this day!) But there are always choices. It just might be that you’re not willing to accept the alternative. Yet.

We struggled to get pregnant with my son, and when we finally did, after what we’d been through, I was willing to accept any alternative to avoid going back to work after he was born. Years of trying to get pregnant, only to hand him over to daycare at 6 weeks old? No freaking way! So we gave up living in the expensive state. We gave up the house (=sniff=), we gave up living near family (=BIG SNIFF= this is definitely the hardest part!!) and moved to a less expensive state and a less expensive house so I could stay home. (At least for that first year) The life we’re living now is definitely not perfect. I still worry if 20 years from now, will my kids be in therapy talking about how their horrible mother spent hours on the computer doing web design instead of sitting next to them on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubzy. But I think my working is good for them too. I can see that my daughter is an extremely bright little girl. I want her to see that women can have a family and a career. I want her to go on and do things that challenge her and help her grow, even as an adult. Even as I am working, I am teaching my daughter about being an independent and strong woman. Since I work from home, every day is bring your daughter to work day.

This is just me explaining my life and choices however. I have a number of friends who are stay at home moms or fulltime working moms and who are perfectly happy in that choice. They are teaching their children, just as much as I am, the same lessons. Do what is important to you. Do what will make you happy and what will work with your family. Life is all about choices, trade-offs, compromises. End that war raging in your own mind and be happy.

Balloon Festival 2009

In town here they do a yearly Balloon Festival. Here are few pictures. The first few are ones we took from our street. (Friday morning they had a “Balloon Launch” just down the street from us). I’d totally forgotten about it until Zach started going crazy screaming about Balloons floating by the window. LOL!

Here’s that flexibility thing coming in handy…

Here’s an example of why taking the “pay cut” to work from home is worth it for me. If this was a day in the corporate world, I’d be getting glares from co-workers and a boss – but instead I can take care of what my highest priority is: my kids.

This morning, as usual, before I could grab breakfast or even a cup of coffee, we raced out of the house so I could get my daughter to her camp, and then I brought my son in for his swim class (this has been extremely important as just a few weeks ago he was terrified of the water. Now he absolutely loves swimming – more on that in another up-coming post), then I drop him off at preschool – no sooner do I get home, make coffee, pour some cereal – before I’ve even had a bite – the phone rings. My daughter isn’t feeling well, I need to come get her. Send emails to clients explaining responses today might be delayed. Back in the car – run and meet the camp at a nearby park – arrange for a visit to the doctor’s office. Get home – try to prioritize what will really need to be completed today – hand off whatever projects I can to other people I work with. It’s now 11am. I have 0 billable hours. And in fact – because we’ll be racing out the door in a few minutes to get to the doctor’s, I don’t expect to have any billable hours until later this afternoon. If I manage to put in 3 hours this afternoon – that will be amazing.

Make no mistake – I am definitely doing two jobs, but only one of them I get paid for. ;P This certainly explains why I’m only getting half the salary I was before.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she was telling me how she wishes she could go back to work. Her daughter is old enough now that it would be nice to get out, be able to make some money to help make ends meet. But of course, most jobs don’t have the kind of flexibility a mom needs. I’m not sure how, but I wish that could change. I know I’m lucky, but I shouldn’t be. Getting this kind of flexibility on the job shouldn’t be so hard. Job sharing, or simple understanding when things come up… It’s a shame these things aren’t more widely available.

What changes need to be made to make it work for both employer and employee?