Accepting the inevitable

So… it’s August 21st. Summer is pretty much over at this point. I was on week 4 (of a 13 week training program) before I got sick last week and have not exercised so much as my little finger since then. I think it’s a safe bet the 5K will not happen this summer. And being that I am such a wimp with the cold, running a 5K in the fall or winter is not going to happen either. Spring 2010. That’s the new plan. There will be plenty of time to train. Sure I could probably half-walk/half-run one now – but since I’ve never run in a 5K – I would like to try to AIM for running more than walking.

I was so proud of being able to run that mile a little more than a week ago. But when I got sick, that was the end of that for the rest of the week. I haven’t felt “right” since then. I wasn’t able to stand for more than a minute or two before my legs started hurting and/or before I’d start to feel faint and light-headed. Today is the first day I didn’t have to sit down every 5 seconds while I got ready in the morning. So I am going to try to run again tonight. I have no idea what to expect. I was up to session 2 of week 4: (which was a recover week) – back to running two minutes walking two minutes. This is probably good that it was a “recovery week” – it will help me get back into the running grove.

Hot Dwarves?

Sam just sent me the link to this video: Do you want to date my avatar?

I don’t know, it’s been a long time since I played World of Warcraft – but I played a frumpy dwarf with pigtails. I’m pretty sure no one wanted to date her. LOL!

The importance of friends

This week I’ve been reminded by how important my friends are to me. With no family near by, my friends are my family here. I spend most of my time glued to my computer, and while I do have interactions with a number of people online and virtually, there is still something unique to be gained by getting out of the house and meeting in person with like-minded individuals. I met a good friend for lunch today. Our sons are the same age, we used to be in another mom’s group together and be in the same playgroup. I stopped going to that group a long while ago, but she and I still stayed in touch sporadically. We try to meet up every few months and catch up. It was so energizing to talk with her today. And then again tonight I met up with the mom’s group I’m in. I come home feeling so empowered and strong. This is not a feeling I have felt walking away from any online interaction.

Whether you are a stay at home mom, or working mom, or work at home mom; I think we forget to take time for ourselves. I know I am a much more balanced, happy, and strong person from the in-person interactions I have with my friends. I know so many moms so focused on how well socialized their children are – our own socialization is just as important!

It was one of the smartest things I did before we moved – I knew we were moving to a new area where we knew no one and even more difficult was a strong and widespread culture of which I was not a part of. I knew finding my own niche of friends would be critical in order for me not to lose my mind completely. That is the mom’s group I’m in now – a group specifically formed for moms in my exact situation. I joined the group within the first few weeks of our arrival here, and have been meeting with them ever since. It’s changed over the years, some members have come and gone, some have moved away – but the idea is still basically the same, and I am so thankful to have them. I think I take it for granted that I have that escape and the group of people I can recharge with. Sometimes I’ll skip meeting up with them and (WHY???!?!) opt to continue working instead. So I’m putting this out there as a reminder to myself too – nothing can replace the getting out, that in-person connection. And it is so important.

Birthday Extravaganza Day One

Don’t you love how kids birthday’s just seem to drag on for days. First there was the planning of the birthday party (we’re going to Cowabunga Bay for her birthday party this weekend), since that plan was finalized she’s been asking when we can go shopping for party favors (not until the day before the party! Won’t know who’s even going until then!), then there’s the actual birthDAY (today), then there’s the playdate with the friend who wanted to go to the party but couldn’t make it (but still wanted to see her). LOL! For a stretch there, we did a party every year for her (this was easier when we lived near family). But since we moved, it’s more of a challenge since a party means inviting non-family; kids that Rachel’s friends with that I don’t know from families I’ve never met. Add in that her birthday takes place during the summer, I don’t have addresses for any of her friends from school, and of course the school doesn’t give out that information – and birthday parties take on a whole new challenge.

The last two years, we’ve just done a nice dinner out and let her invite a friend to come with us. With more kids in the neighborhood that she’s become friendly with, finally we have a handful of kids we can invite. (No need to worry about addresses with them because Rachel can hand deliver the invitations!)

Maybe because of how much easier it was to do a party when family was nearby, but since we’ve moved I’ve definitely felt like my birthday party throwing abilities are sub-par. I’m thrilled that we can finally do more this year. Even though I know this is not the case, I still worry that she will try to measure how much I love her by how big a deal her birthday is. It’s totally silly and totally unrealistic. Of course no birthday party I could ever throw for her could compare to how much I love her.

On being a working mom (and the real “mommy wars”)

There seems to always be discussion about the “mommy wars” – the stay at home mom vs the working mom. I have seen threads where these debates can get pretty downright mean, but to be honest, those virulent conversations I’ve found are the exception, not the norm. The majority of these external conversations I’ve seen are women telling other women to “make the right decision for themselves and their families.” A lot more women understand that everyone and everyone’s family is different. But the sensationalism of a “mommy war” sounds so much more interesting – so that’s what the magazines will try to sell you. This so called “war” still rages, but I think the reality is it takes place within ourselves. It’s hard to be 100% happy in the path we’ve chosen because it’s always easier to look at the greener grass on the other side.

For me personally, I am content in the path I’ve chosen but only now after I’ve given all the other paths a try. I was, at first, a full time working mom. Rachel went to daycare at just 6 weeks old and I returned to work. We did that for a number of years. Then when I got pregnant with Zach, I quit everything and tried being a stay at home mom. As he got older, I started working from home. So now I’m straddling the fence. I work full time from home. This has the best balance for me.

That’s not to say that I don’t still often question if I’m doing it “right”. I think I’m doing it the best way I can. Every path has it’s pros and cons. When I was a full time working mom, I was making more money, I had a steady paycheck, I was advancing my career, I had better health insurance. BUT if my daughter was sick, I had to somehow get myself out of work without getting into trouble to take care of her. I missed being with my daughter and felt like the weekend wasn’t enough time. When I was a stay at home mom, I was with my kids all day, we didn’t have to pay for day care. BUT I felt like I was losing a very important part of who I was, I felt like I needed more mental challenges and I missed the feeling of being able to contribute financially to the stability of my family. What I’m doing now, I can be home if my kids need me, but I’m still getting the mental workout I need. I’m bringing in my own money. BUT there is a downside to this too. I’ve talked before about how this life is every bit as hectic as the full time working mom life. In some ways more hectic. I’ve talked before about how I am walking a fine line next to burning out. Here’s a perfect example: On Thursday, I was cooking a fever of 102, sweating and chills, and I’m sitting in bed on my laptop trying to finish a project for a client because *I* am their resource. And unless I want them to dump me and find someone else, I need to do the work, sick with the flu or not.

I read on someone’s blog about how the blogger was a working mom and absolutely hated it. If you’re in that boat, then you need to step back and evaluate what can you do to make changes to live a life that you can tolerate. It won’t ever be perfect – but if you absolutely hate it, then this does not sound like a decision that is “right for you and your family”. You may not have the option of being a stay at home mom, or it may require changes in your life that you’re not willing to make. But that’s the tradeoff I guess. I was originally a full time working mom because I thought I didn’t have a choice. We lived in a very expensive state, in a very expensive house. (I LOVED that house. It was the house I dreamed of living in my whole life. I still mourn the loss of that house to this day!) But there are always choices. It just might be that you’re not willing to accept the alternative. Yet.

We struggled to get pregnant with my son, and when we finally did, after what we’d been through, I was willing to accept any alternative to avoid going back to work after he was born. Years of trying to get pregnant, only to hand him over to daycare at 6 weeks old? No freaking way! So we gave up living in the expensive state. We gave up the house (=sniff=), we gave up living near family (=BIG SNIFF= this is definitely the hardest part!!) and moved to a less expensive state and a less expensive house so I could stay home. (At least for that first year) The life we’re living now is definitely not perfect. I still worry if 20 years from now, will my kids be in therapy talking about how their horrible mother spent hours on the computer doing web design instead of sitting next to them on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubzy. But I think my working is good for them too. I can see that my daughter is an extremely bright little girl. I want her to see that women can have a family and a career. I want her to go on and do things that challenge her and help her grow, even as an adult. Even as I am working, I am teaching my daughter about being an independent and strong woman. Since I work from home, every day is bring your daughter to work day.

This is just me explaining my life and choices however. I have a number of friends who are stay at home moms or fulltime working moms and who are perfectly happy in that choice. They are teaching their children, just as much as I am, the same lessons. Do what is important to you. Do what will make you happy and what will work with your family. Life is all about choices, trade-offs, compromises. End that war raging in your own mind and be happy.