But I do like looking back on life. So here’s this past month’s rundown.

My daughter is wrapping up her part in the local theatre/musical group’s production of Cats. She has an ensemble part – but really does seem to enjoy doing the shows. She wants to do the next show too – against my better judgement, I’m pretty much decided to let her. Her grades were hurting in the beginning, but she’s pulled them up (I can take some credit here too because I’ve been seriously on her case about keeping up) – she’s cooperated for the most part – so I think we’ll do the show. Cats has been fun for me too – the program requires parent volunteer hours and I signed up for makeup. I *love* doing facepaint/makeup – especially cat makeup. At the same time, it’s also crazy stressful as there are A LOT of kids in the show. There’s a bunch of us working on makeup – I have about 6 kids I need to do makeup for – but we only get a little less than 2 hours before the show to do it. For each show, I’ve had the kids waiting in line, waiting waiting waiting for their turn. I’m going as fast as I can, but I feel bad about making anyone wait for me! There’s three more shows left – I’m sure by the last one I’ll be so fast!

Zach just finished up his first soccer season. He is really good at it and I think we’ve got him convinced to do it again. I wish they had a spring session for his age group but they don’t (not unless we want to drive a few towns over each time!) So we’re stuck waiting for fall! I’d like to sign him up for another sport for the spring to keep him active, but I’m not sure what’s available and what programs are good. The ones through the town I wasn’t terribly impressed with. (The soccer program was great – it was through AYSO) There’s T-ball – but I really wanted something where he’d be more active (more than just waiting around for someone to hit a ball – or waiting for his turn to hit the ball… etc.) Flag football might be good if they have a group his age – but I wonder whether he’d be able to STOP himself from wanting to tackle other kids. LOL! Maybe I’ll just invest in a giant gerbil wheel… That would do the job.

Work is the same. Feast or famine. This month has been more on the “lean” side. But we’ll see how long that keeps up. (It usually doesn’t last) I’m thankful for the breaks anyway.

If you follow me on pinterest, you may have noticed a crazy amount of pinning recently for “doodles.” I’ve really gotten into this and started collecting inspiring doodles there. I almost always doodle while talking on the phone – next to my notes etc. but these would usually end up getting tossed in the trash. Some of them were actually kind of cool. So I got a few notebooks I’m solely dedicating to doodles. In fact, I’m thinking of buying a real “sketchbook” (since the paper in the notebook is ruled and isn’t the greatest quality) – maybe even pick up a few super fine point artist pens. I’d like to post some of the things I’ve done – but there always seems to be some little thing that bugs me about the drawing that makes me not want to share it. Sometimes, I just do a partial drawing. If I ever get anything that feels “complete” and “clean”, I’ll finally post it.

Related posts:

1. One month later

The irony is that I’m not here to tell you that “… and NONE of it came true… everything was fine!”. Well, everything was fine, but that’s not the end of the story. The truth is that almost everything I dreamed actually came true. I did accidentally leave my computer’s power cord at home. I couldn’t find my laser pointer when I needed it. The wifi did get disconnected from my laptop in the middle of my presentation. Really, if you told me that all of that stuff would really happen, I would have run from the room screaming, called up Joseph Scott and told him to forget it, I couldn’t do it! In the nightmares, when all of these things happened, the world basically ended. My presentation was a complete failure and life ended there. Every night, in the middle of the night, I’d wake up, jot something down on a piece of paper I needed to remember so that I could prevent the catastrophe I had just envisioned.

But despite all these things coming true, life did not end. In fact, nothing happened. Thankfully, my battery lasted long enough to survive the length of my presentation. It did die eventually, but not until about halfway through the day – hours later. The wifi timed out on my laptop and disconnected, but I kept going even though the cool slide remote I had on my iPhone no longer worked. (In my opinion: a design flaw in the app to have it only rely on wifi and not bluetooth!!) The arrow keys work perfectly well to move the slides!! And the laser pointer I realized later I left buried in my purse so I just made do without it.

All the anxiety and thinking the sky would fall if any of these things happened, and even my desperate attempts to prevent them – they happened. When they did, there was a logical solution. And life went on.

I think I know I spend too much time worrying about what could happen. I spend too much time trying to plan for all conceivable contingencies. And the truth of the matter is that, when a problem is real, there is usually a solution at hand as well. I won’t say always. But usually. It certainly isn’t worth the time spent worrying about the “what ifs.”

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1. Life in the fastlane
2. life continues
3. Life Update

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing. The Pre-vacation Panic. It sounds like it should be some kind of line-dance. I’ll bet it looks alot like people running around and bumping into each other and getting knocked out. At least, that’s what I’ve felt like I’ve done at the end of each day.

Related posts:

1. Post Vacation
2. One of many reasons for my weight gain over vacation
3. Another reason for my weight gain from our vacation

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1. The Slippery Slope

For me personally, I am content in the path I’ve chosen but only now after I’ve given all the other paths a try. I was, at first, a full time working mom. Rachel went to daycare at just 6 weeks old and I returned to work. We did that for a number of years. Then when I got pregnant with Zach, I quit everything and tried being a stay at home mom. As he got older, I started working from home. So now I’m straddling the fence. I work full time from home. This has the best balance for me.

That’s not to say that I don’t still often question if I’m doing it “right”. I think I’m doing it the best way I can. Every path has it’s pros and cons. When I was a full time working mom, I was making more money, I had a steady paycheck, I was advancing my career, I had better health insurance. BUT if my daughter was sick, I had to somehow get myself out of work without getting into trouble to take care of her. I missed being with my daughter and felt like the weekend wasn’t enough time. When I was a stay at home mom, I was with my kids all day, we didn’t have to pay for day care. BUT I felt like I was losing a very important part of who I was, I felt like I needed more mental challenges and I missed the feeling of being able to contribute financially to the stability of my family. What I’m doing now, I can be home if my kids need me, but I’m still getting the mental workout I need. I’m bringing in my own money. BUT there is a downside to this too. I’ve talked before about how this life is every bit as hectic as the full time working mom life. In some ways more hectic. I’ve talked before about how I am walking a fine line next to burning out. Here’s a perfect example: On Thursday, I was cooking a fever of 102, sweating and chills, and I’m sitting in bed on my laptop trying to finish a project for a client because *I* am their resource. And unless I want them to dump me and find someone else, I need to do the work, sick with the flu or not.

I read on someone’s blog about how the blogger was a working mom and absolutely hated it. If you’re in that boat, then you need to step back and evaluate what can you do to make changes to live a life that you can tolerate. It won’t ever be perfect – but if you absolutely hate it, then this does not sound like a decision that is “right for you and your family”. You may not have the option of being a stay at home mom, or it may require changes in your life that you’re not willing to make. But that’s the tradeoff I guess. I was originally a full time working mom because I thought I didn’t have a choice. We lived in a very expensive state, in a very expensive house. (I LOVED that house. It was the house I dreamed of living in my whole life. I still mourn the loss of that house to this day!) But there are always choices. It just might be that you’re not willing to accept the alternative. Yet.

We struggled to get pregnant with my son, and when we finally did, after what we’d been through, I was willing to accept any alternative to avoid going back to work after he was born. Years of trying to get pregnant, only to hand him over to daycare at 6 weeks old? No freaking way! So we gave up living in the expensive state. We gave up the house (=sniff=), we gave up living near family (=BIG SNIFF= this is definitely the hardest part!!) and moved to a less expensive state and a less expensive house so I could stay home. (At least for that first year) The life we’re living now is definitely not perfect. I still worry if 20 years from now, will my kids be in therapy talking about how their horrible mother spent hours on the computer doing web design instead of sitting next to them on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubzy. But I think my working is good for them too. I can see that my daughter is an extremely bright little girl. I want her to see that women can have a family and a career. I want her to go on and do things that challenge her and help her grow, even as an adult. Even as I am working, I am teaching my daughter about being an independent and strong woman. Since I work from home, every day is bring your daughter to work day.

This is just me explaining my life and choices however. I have a number of friends who are stay at home moms or fulltime working moms and who are perfectly happy in that choice. They are teaching their children, just as much as I am, the same lessons. Do what is important to you. Do what will make you happy and what will work with your family. Life is all about choices, trade-offs, compromises. End that war raging in your own mind and be happy.

Related posts:

1. Brand new day
2. Here’s that flexibility thing coming in handy…
3. The Slippery Slope

Some people say they don’t know how they’d get anything done working from home – that there’s too many distractions. For me it’s the opposite. I have a hard time focusing on anything else when there’s a big to do list on my desk. So instead of taking the night off, I’ll just keep working. Or even if my brain is fried and I really can’t focus any more, I’m still at my computer, attempting to get some of the work done. (Of course, the problem is that there is always more work (a good thing and a bad thing) – so there is always a to-do list. It never really goes away. So I never really just stop stressing about it)

I was supposed to go to the gym last night and do the weights (which is hard to get motivated to do in the first place) but I didn’t go. I did run on Sunday, but the whole time I was running, I was stressing out about the work I could have been doing. This is the slippery slope that got me into trouble the last year – almost right around this same time. I stopped working out, and I stopped my diet – and BAM! 10lbs later… Some people go to workout to help them relax and “let go” of work – and if my to-do list isn’t too long, sure, I can do that too, somewhat. But right now? Working out is incredibly stressful.

Still, every day I don’t workout brings its own stress. Especially given the fact that this past weekend I wasn’t as on target as I could have been. (Yeah, there was that whole bottle of wine incident). So, there’s an Aqua aerobics class tomorrow – no better time to try something new than when I’m super stressed out and feeling very unmotivated to exercise!!

Related posts:

1. Hip Hop Hustle!
2. On being a working mom (and the real “mommy wars”)

This morning, as usual, before I could grab breakfast or even a cup of coffee, we raced out of the house so I could get my daughter to her camp, and then I brought my son in for his swim class (this has been extremely important as just a few weeks ago he was terrified of the water. Now he absolutely loves swimming – more on that in another up-coming post), then I drop him off at preschool – no sooner do I get home, make coffee, pour some cereal – before I’ve even had a bite – the phone rings. My daughter isn’t feeling well, I need to come get her. Send emails to clients explaining responses today might be delayed. Back in the car – run and meet the camp at a nearby park – arrange for a visit to the doctor’s office. Get home – try to prioritize what will really need to be completed today – hand off whatever projects I can to other people I work with. It’s now 11am. I have 0 billable hours. And in fact – because we’ll be racing out the door in a few minutes to get to the doctor’s, I don’t expect to have any billable hours until later this afternoon. If I manage to put in 3 hours this afternoon – that will be amazing.

Make no mistake – I am definitely doing two jobs, but only one of them I get paid for. ;P This certainly explains why I’m only getting half the salary I was before.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she was telling me how she wishes she could go back to work. Her daughter is old enough now that it would be nice to get out, be able to make some money to help make ends meet. But of course, most jobs don’t have the kind of flexibility a mom needs. I’m not sure how, but I wish that could change. I know I’m lucky, but I shouldn’t be. Getting this kind of flexibility on the job shouldn’t be so hard. Job sharing, or simple understanding when things come up… It’s a shame these things aren’t more widely available.

What changes need to be made to make it work for both employer and employee?

Related posts:

1. On being a working mom (and the real “mommy wars”)
2. Brand new day
3. Pre-vacation Panic

That said – there are some significant downsides about freelancing and working from home that can really start to get you down if you let it.

1) You never get to leave your job and go home.
My home IS the office. And maybe the secondary issue here is that my “hobby” is just an extension of my job – messing around on the computer. Reading stuff online, playing on Facebook, or Twitter. The only time I come close to completely unplugging is when I exercise. Even then, I’m usually listening to music on my iPhone – which means it’s possible that a client could call me (although thankfully that doesn’t happen a lot). When I take a class (Zumba!) then I’ll mute my phone and am completely unreachable.

But for the most part, I’m always “on call” – I check email regularly. And I do work evenings and weekends. This is definitely a dangerous path I’m headed, I know. There are bright red neon signs all over the place that are flashing “YOU WILL BURNOUT!” – and I feel that I probably straddle this line more than steer clear of it.

2) Working Harder – For Less
When I had a full time job, I had worked myself up position-wise and salary-wise to a very comfortable earning. The problem was that I had virtually no flexibility. Flexibility costs. A lot. Juggling school and day care and still trying to put in a full shift is difficult at best. Maybe there’s employers that understand that and accept that you will be “doing more but in less hours,” or that the hours will be put in over the course of the day AND NIGHT. I didn’t feel I was getting that level of understanding, and that is part of the reason why I opted to go freelance (after taking about a year off after DS was born. If I lived in a country where a year maternity leave was a standard offered by companies – maybe I wouldn’t have left my full time job)

I still feel like my days are a never ending race. I race the kids to school, then I race home to work, squeeze as much as I can in the roughly 6 hours – then race to do after school pickups – try to squeeze in a little more work – but also balancing homework help – then rush to make dinner, clean up, bedtime – before you know it, it’s 10pm – and I can squeeze in maybe an hour of work before I fall flat on my face. All this – for the wonderful price of 40% LESS than what I was making when I was working full time. That’s based on what I was making 4 years ago. If you figure, if I had stayed, I probably would have gotten a few bonuses, some raises, then you’re talking an even bigger gap.

Yet, I feel like I’m working just as hard.

It’s not all doom and gloom. It is extremely rewarding to “be your own boss.” I like that if a project comes my way that just absolutely turns my stomach – I can turn it down if I want to. And I have. My family lives out-of-state and I can go and visit them whenever I can afford the ticket and want to go – without having to get vacation time approved by anyone. (However, I have YET to do this where it didn’t involve spending some of the time working while I was visiting them.) Not to mention – in this economy especially – while I may be making a lot less than I was before, I am still bringing in some money and still have a steady in-flow of work. So I’m not complaining about that!

It’s certainly not for the faint-hearted. But like I said, I wouldn’t change it.

Related posts:

1. The Slippery Slope
2. Fly away home
3. On being a working mom (and the real “mommy wars”)